Neither Perfect, Nor Easy: My Life as Artist and Mother, Still Becoming
I thought I would take the traditional path—becoming a professor in the social sciences—while I was in the middle of a fully-funded PhD program. But who was I kidding? I was always an artist, even when I tried to deny it.
Then my now-husband called me from New York City. He told me about the summer sessions at MoMA PS1, an artist residency program. At the time, I was exploring fieldwork in performance studies, and the intersection of experiential learning and performance intrigued me. Marina Abramović, one of the visiting artists that year, sealed my decision to apply. I submitted my materials moments before the deadline. That summer, I spent a month in NYC, immersed in contemporary art and training with her. As you can imagine, it was transformative.
When I returned to St. Louis to complete my doctoral program, something had shifted. I knew I had to pivot—from academia toward the uncertainty of life as an artist. I wasn’t blind to the challenges, but something deep within me refused to ignore the call. It was as if the artist I had been all along was finally demanding to be heard.
I decided to pursue additional performance training at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. After completing a residency, I was recommended for admission into the inaugural class of SAIC’s Low-Residency MFA Program. It opened my mind in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. I was given free rein to explore my favorite themes: time, language, contemplation, stillness—through both performance and material form.
Halfway through the MFA program, my partner and I decided to try for a baby. I knew there would never be a “perfect” time. My busy mind, my drive, and my endless desire to create would always find a reason to wait. But I believed—truly believed—that everything could work out, even if it meant shifting timelines and redefining what was possible.
Something deep within me refused to ignore the call. It was as if the artist I had been all along was finally demanding to be heard.
When I found out I was pregnant, I also received an opportunity to attend a residency in Germany. I went—seven months pregnant—through my third trimester. And it was incredible.
On November 30, 2017, Elle James was born. A beautiful, healthy little girl. I remember looking at her and crying—overwhelmed with love, with awe. The doubts and fears didn’t disappear. How could they? But I realized they didn’t need to. Instead, they became opportunities. Opportunities to create my approach to life, to work to raise another human being in this world. The choices I make for her, for us—they are art in themselves.
Still, sacrifices came. I tried to do both: ride the momentum of exciting opportunities right out of graduate school while embracing this new role as a mother. The truth? I lost momentum for a few years. But I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I threw myself into motherhood—the challenges, the exhaustion, and the extraordinary beauty of those early days.
There were times I tried to have Elle play in the studio while I worked. But she was young, too young, and focus was fleeting—for both of us. I adapted.
In the spring of this year, I had an opportunity to attend an artist residency in Lisbon, Portugal. I had originally planned to go during winter, aligning the trip with Elle’s school break. But when my grandfather passed away, I became the primary caregiver for my grandmother, and I postponed the residency until February. The decision to pull Elle out of school for a month did not come without concern. I worried about disrupting her routine, about whether I was making the right choice. But after a lot of planning and communication with her school and teacher, my partner and I decided to go forward with it.
The chaos, the uncertainty—they’re part of what drives me to keep going, to keep making, no matter what.
Now, she’s in first grade. The rhythm has changed. There’s time—during her school day—for me to return to my work, my process. It’s not a typical 40- or 50-hour workweek, but I’ve learned to mold my creative process to fit the rhythm of family life.
After spending most of this year in Lisbon, I am excited to continue my work within the city’s vibrant contemporary art scene. I work at certain times of the year in a separate studio, both in the USA and Portugal, but I always make sure I have space in my immediate living quarters to create—because I’m always working. I’m excited to continue the journey this spring in NYC and this summer in Lisbon, where I’ll immerse myself in new creative possibilities. Life is sweet in the way it keeps unfolding. There’s balance to be found—if you’re willing to seek it.
It’s messy. It’s unpredictable. But it’s my journey, and I couldn’t live without continuing to make art. The chaos, the uncertainty—they’re part of what drives me to keep going, to keep making, no matter what.